NORGEL'S PERSONAL BATTLE WITH AUTISM
I wish to open up to everyone about my personal battle with an autism-spectrum disorder I've been living with since I was a toddler. I have Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD-NOS), which is a high-functioning autism-spectrum disorder similar to Asperger's Syndrome. I also have an introverted mind and personality. I wish to say for clarity's sake that people who are introverts are more concerned with the inner world of their own mind. They enjoy thinking, meditating and exploring their thoughts and feelings. Plus they tend to be more oriented with logical analysis, objectivism and realism than with subjective impressions and optimism. They are reluctant to take risks without sufficiently careful thought. Many of the philosophers, artists, composers and inventors in world history were introverts. Contrary to common belief, introversion is not the same as shyness, because shyness stems from uncertainty, anxiety and social phobia. Introverts often minimize their involvement in social situations because being around so many other people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. Introverts often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading alone, writing alone, using computers alone, and doing outdoor activities alone. After associating with other people for a prolonged period of time, such as at a church service or a birthday party, introverts seek out time alone to "recharge" their mind and body. Introverts are not necessarily autistic; there are plenty of nonautistics (neurotypicals) that are introverts. I have both introversion and autism and I live with both as an integral part of my life.
Many of you who went to high school or college with me in past years may have noticed some of the weird, unusual behaviors that are symptomatic of my autism-spectrum disorder. Autistic males outnumber autistic females by a 4 to 1 ratio, and the exact causes of autism are intensely debated by physiological and psychological experts. Autism is not the same as mental retardation, nor is it the same as mental illnesses like schizophrenia, nor is it the same as personality disorders. In any particular case of autism, the brain's neuroconnections are organized somewhat differently from the normal brain. Some forms of autism are more or less severe than others. I was first diagnosed when I was a 2-year old toddler and every psychiatrist and behavior therapist that evaluated me over the many years have independently reached the same conclusions about my autism-spectrum disorder. I have very good intelligence and extraordinary reasoning ability in a logical and rational sense, but I have always had a social skills deficit that is unique to persons with autism. I have difficulty understanding slang and figurative language in conversations, so I tend to take things very literally when people talk to me. Like most autistics, I find it extremely difficult to read nonverbal communications, such as the many types of body language and facial expressions associated with the various emotions of other people. I have great difficulty expressing humor and understanding the humor expressed by others. Also like most autistics, I do have sexual feelings and desires, but I have little or no since of romance, although I do my best to write and talk like it. Autistic males have much greater difficulty establishing and maintaining sexual relationships than autistic females do. In fact, about 5 out of 8 autistic males (62.5%) experience involuntary celibacy until very late in their adult life (ages 35 and older), partly because of social stigma, autistic symptoms and poor social skills. The majority of autistic males become late bloomers with regards to starting and maintaining an intimate romantic relationship. In addition, many autistics have an enormous struggle with self-centeredness that is far more extreme than that of neurotypicals (people who do not have autism), and I am no exception.
I was in DENIAL about my autism for the first 15 years of my life. When I was young, I hated it when my mother enrolled me into special education classes at institutions like Oak Tree Children's Center and the EHTP, and I hated it whenever she took me to those psychiatrists and therapists. Also, I hated being called "crazy" and treated differently by my fellow classmates during K-12 education, because I thought I was exactly normal and the same as "everyone else." I also had difficulty dealing with my autism during my college years, especially on the social level, but I had already overcome my denial before entering college. I had already owned up to the reality of my having autism. I am still a virgin male to this very day, partly because of the autism that so many of the lovely women I was attracted to never seemed to understand and embrace. I've been utterly rejected by women all my life, and I've never been likeable to the point of having many friends or admirers, but only very few friends. My introverted personality was a real turn off to various kinds of people around me. Even my own mother, siblings and extended family had somewhat of a difficult time understanding me for the autistic and introverted person I am, although they still loved me very much. Even as I continued to experience these troubles with stigma and social connections, I gradually owned up more and more to my being different from other people because of autism, and my life began to change for the better once I totally accepted the fact that I was different.
As you might imagine, I must have felt very lonely and depressed. Yes, I did feel very lonely and depressed. I developed a habit of isolating myself from other people, sometimes to the point of being reclusive at home, just to avoid the stinging pains resulting from being ridiculed and picked at by my peers. I also started talking to myself, as if there was no other person to communicate with about my deepest concerns except for me, but the loneliness and depression did not go away. Sometimes I felt very envious of other guys for having female companions while I was totally lacking a female companion. I sometimes felt that God's gift of life was worthless to me, that life was not worth living, and I had recurrent suicidal thoughts. I did feel very lonely and depressed. As far as spirituality is concerned, my battle with autism has been a major motivator in my seeking God and the wisdom and strength that only He can provide. I was one of Jehovah's Witnesses during the 1990's but left the religion after I discovered their long history of false prophecies and false doctrines. Plus JWs were a mind control cult and they did not provide answers for my autism. After this I sought out the Prosperity Gospel in hopes of being cured of my autism by one of the famous prosperity televangelists. In recent years I've turned to the true Christian faith, the real Lord Jesus Christ, after discovering all the counterfeits and satanic deceptions in the Word of Faith Movement and in the Emergent and liberal churches.
My turn toward the Christian faith began when I was at a very low point in my life 2009 and 2010 when I was totally jobless, and distant from my family, in addition to being litigated because of loan debts. One day in late 2009, a minister walking in the public street in front of the Winn-Dixie Supermarket at Cross Station Plaza gave me a few small pamphlets. Several of the pamphlets dealt with poverty and joblessness, while one of them dealt with depression and certain types of mental handicaps. Each of the pamphlets also contained some scriptures. At first, I thought of just throwing it away without reading it, as most people did; however, I felt a burning and throbbing feeling telling me that I MUST go ahead and read it. I proceeded to open up the pamphlet and I read all of the scriptures it quoted, a few of the quoted scriptures were Psalm 51:16, 17; Psalm 55:22; Psalm 103:2-4; Proverbs 3:5-7; Isaiah 26:3; Isaiah 57:15; Isaiah 58:8; Jeremiah 17:14; Matthew 11:28-30; Philippians 4:6-8, 13 and James 4:6-10. Poverty, adversity, and physical and mental handicaps were explained to me so clearly by the literature that minister gave me. The TBN Prosperity Preachers and liberal churches never explained physical and mental handicaps in this clearly scriptural manner, and Jehovah's Witnesses during the 1990's never explained it well to me either. I learned that God cares deeply about lowly people who are rejected by others, lost in their direction, and broken in their spirit, so I started praying to Jesus to comfort me and help me in this midst of all my struggles, including my autism-spectrum disorder. I was water baptized at a Baptist Church in early 2010; the first baptism was in 1997 as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I began growing spiritually ever since 2010. During the years before my new birth in Christ took place, I was asking God, "Why me? Out of all the people in this world, why did you allow me to live with this autism that has been such a pain to me all these years?" I eventually learned that it is UNWISE to question God's actions since He is absolute Sovereign (Romans 9:19-25), and that His thoughts and ways are incomprehensible to the finite minds of us mortal humans (Ecclesiastes 3:11-14; Isaiah 55:8, 9; Romans 11:33) The Lord God Almighty has a purpose for our lives, and He both directs and allows various circumstances in our lives to conform the the unique purpose He has for us. Each of us humans receives a testimony from Almighty God, and I have come to believe that my personal battle with autism is an integral part of the testimony that God has assigned to me.
By the end of 2011, I had completely rejected the Word of Faith Movement, Emergent, New Age and liberal churches and totally embraced orthodox Christianity. My thorough research and personal experience with those false church movements showed me that, like Jehovah's Witnesses, they were unprofitable in helping me with my autism, nor can they lead me to the true salvation of Jesus Christ. The true Christian faith has helped me, and changed me, far better than false religion and psychotherapists ever can. False religion and man-made psychotherapy could do nothing to help my autism and the suffering and weaknesses associated with it. False religion and human inventions cannot restrain the sinful flesh, nor can they truly mitigate the oppressive effects of physical or mental weaknesses. God's infallible, inerrant Word the Bible is the BEST psychology book ever written, and there will NEVER be any future psychology book that helps better than God's Word, because God knows the mind and the human better than everyone else. Ever since my conversion to true biblical Christianity, my relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ has helped me with my autism FAR BETTER than any of the psychiatrists and therapists that treated me for autism. True fulfillment and true wholeness is not attained through false religion, psychotherapy, worldly success, or various carnal gratifications; instead, only a personal relationship with Jesus Christ can make a person whole and fulfilled. Although I still show a few symptoms of autism and still struggle with sin, I no longer feel a sense of emptiness or instability in my heart. I praise praise the Lord for all the good that has happened to me. I have dedicated my life to living for Jesus Christ. I have also dedicated my life to Christian apologetics and clarifying the true, biblical Gospel to people around me, all for the glory of God.
I no longer feel discontented with my virginity and sexless life. I no longer feel envious of other men for having a woman while I stand womanless and celibate, until God makes all things right for me to become a responsible husband and father. The loving grace of Jesus Christ has virtually eliminated my feelings of severe loneliness and depression, and I no longer have recurrent thoughts of committing suicide. I now feel happy to be alive in this world despite its many persecutions, trials, and tribulations. Life does have a God-given purpose, and life is something worth living, not for my own glory, praise, and benefit, but for God's glory and for the benefit of other people (Proverbs 25:27; Jeremiah 9:23, 24; Philippians 2:3, 4). As of today, I am an active member of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and I regularly attend NAMI seminars and NAMI peer group sessions to provide encouragement other mentally handicapped people and to receive encouragement from other NAMI members that share good advice and living testimonies about their own mental handicaps. I also continue to take intermittent, off-and-on treatments with psychotropic medication. However, as I mentioned earlier, all of this is nothing compared to the benefits provided to me through my relationship with Jesus Christ, whom I pray to and converse with multiple times each day. I engage in fasting multiple times in any given year, along with scripture reading and earnest prayer before God, to reflect on everything that pertains to my life, including my autism. Social stigma is a very big problem for autistic males like myself, as society generally stereotypes them as weak, unprofitable, sexually perverted, irritating, or a burden to others. All of these stigmatizing stereotypes are false. In addition, radically religious people, even among Christianity, have incorrectly labeled autistic people as demon-possessed. Some officials in the criminal justice system have erroneously criminalized the behavior of autistic individuals. There was a time in past history, in America and other countries, when churches were reluctant to help people who suffered from autism, mental illnesses or mental retardation without also stigmatizing such people in the process. However, times have changed, and now I am so happy to see many thousands of Christian churches reaching out more to help children and adults who suffer from autism.
The Autism Speaks Foundation and the NAMI organization have also helped me, and still help me, to cope with the evil, nasty STIGMA that is associated with autism and other mental handicaps, because profound social STIGMA has been one of the primary causes of my lacking the female companion I've always dreamed of, and it often complicates my ability to establish and maintain friendships and a stable means of employment. Christ has taught me that even His Christian followers are viciously stigmatized and persecuted just for preaching His Gospel of Salvation and for living a godly life unconformed to this sinful, corrupt social order. Therefore the stigma surrounding mental illness is not, and should not be, any different from the stigma associated with other things, such as following Christ. I've learned from the Lord Jesus Christ not to fear stigma or hateful persecution (Matthew 10:28; Luke 12:5), and I am NOT afraid of stigma anymore, because I would still be fiercely stigmatized as a radical Christian, even if I never had autism. Many years ago, in 2001, several of my friends and classmates at Albany State University told me that my autism may very well be a "thorn in the flesh" that God intends to use to express His grace. The grace of God is sufficient for ALL of our weaknesses and His grace is perfected in our weaknesses, whether they be temporary weaknesses or chronic weaknesses. In light of this fact, I realized that in the midst of my physical and mental weaknesses, I am really strong because of the power of the loving, gracious God sustaining me (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10).
In the past I was discontented with being a virgin male, and I once did absolutely everything in my power to get rid of my virginity sexual purity by trying to bond with a girlfriend out of wedlock, but I failed every single time. I repeatedly felt very miserable and frustrated to the point of breaking down in tears because of my failure. However I know now that God sometimes frustrates our plans for a reason, a good reason. In the year 2012, Almighty God brought a female alumnus of Albany State University to salvation after she repented of a life debauchery and fornication, and God used her powerful testimony of positive change to clarify to me that I am already on the right track as regards virginity and abstinence before marriage, and that I would be better off if I remain a virgin (free of fornication) just as I am until He send the right woman for me, then everything will go well for me and for her. God will be well pleased with such a path of purity. However, if it is NOT God's will that I bond with a woman and get married to become a good husband and father in my own right, despite my autism, then I will remain a sexually pure virgin for my entire lifetime, just like Immanuel Kant and Sir Isaac Newton. These two great historical figures also suffered from Asperger's Syndrome or some other autism-spectrum disorder, and they remained total virgins throughout their lives, from birth to death, partly because of social stigma, and because most people had difficulty understanding and accepting their abnormal autistic disorders. Autistic individuals find it somewhat more difficult than "neurotypicals" to establish and maintain intimate relationships, so I a well aware that it WILL be quite a challenge for me, but I also know that my Lord Jesus Christ is ALWAYS at my side to carry me through all of my burdens and challenges. Yes, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will NEVER leave me nor forsake me. He has always taken care of me and will continue to do so. Sex and marriage were NOT meant for EVERYONE anyway; some people are better off without them, while some others are at least capable of living in abstinence and celibacy their entire lives (Matthew 19:12; 1 Corinthians 7:7). I want anyone reading this to know that no matter your story, it is NOT about your failures, it is all about God's unconditional love and GRACE. God is in the business of electing a peculiar people for His name that will testify of His faithfulness, unfailing love, and all His wonderful works; they will rule as nobles and priests alongside the Lord Jesus Christ (Acts 15:14; Romans 10:29; 1 Peter 2:9, 10). God is also in the business of making things NEW, things that are pure, glorious, incorruptible and eternal, all for His glory and for the glory of His Son Jesus Christ, who payed for our sins with His precious blood on the Cross of Calvary.
The year 2012 has been one of my most successful and most prosperous years thus far. In October 2012, the Albany Advocacy Resource Center (Albany ARC) honored me with a 2012 Personal Achievement Award in Mental Health. The Albany ARC is another special needs organization that has helped me a great deal to cope with my mental handicaps over the past years. Also, I feel very blessed to have received good grades for my first semester as a graduate student at Albany State University in Fall 2012. However, I do not give credit to myself, instead, the Lord God Almighty is to receive 100% of the glory, praise, and thanksgiving.
RECOMMENDED WEB LINKS:
Autism Speaks - http://www.autismspeaks.org/
Autism Speaks Facebook Page - https://www.facebook.com/autismspeaks?ref=ts&fref=ts
PubMed Health: Autism - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002494/
NINDS Pervasive Developmental Disorders Information Page - http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/pdd/pdd.htm
The Autism Society - http://www.autism-society.org/
Autism Awareness Facebook Page - https://www.facebook.com/AutismAwarenessPage?ref=ts&fref=ts
National Alliance on Mental Illness - http://www.nami.org/
NAMI Facebook Page - https://www.facebook.com/officialNAMI
Mental Health First Aid USA - http://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/cs/program_overview/
Mental Health First Aid USA Facebook Page - https://www.facebook.com/pages/Mental-Health-First-Aid-USA/262722766319?ref=ts&fref=ts
